Face to Face

Lepapillon0311

<font color="seagreen"><font face="verdana"><font size="4">By Jack Shenker
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<br>"Love knows nothing of modesty,” said the great 19th-century French novelist Honoré de Balzac, articulating an immortal truth: no-one ever succeeds in the pursuit of passion by talking themselves down.
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<br>The pages of history are littered with examples of men who have come to a somewhat sticky end in their attempt to impress women, such as the 21-year old Washington man who tried to impress a female friend by kissing his rattlesnake on the mouth (only to receive a fatally poisonous nip on the tongue in return). With all these mishaps in mind, it is tempting to question de Balzac’s wisdom and play it safe, adopting a tone of quiet humility when confronted with the opposite sex.
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<br>In fact, considering de Balzac’s only other famous quote is the mildly disturbing line “A girl fresh from a boarding school may perhaps be a virgin but no! she is never chaste,” it might seem prudent to ignore the poor man altogether.
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<br>But thankfully, in a modern world where chivalry is ridiculed, gallantry derided and bravado positively frowned upon, there are still some male heroes out there who aren’t afraid to puff out their chest, swagger forth and unashamedly sell themselves to the female population. And Alex is one of those heroes. It’s hard to pinpoint what fi rst caught my eye on his facebook profi le.
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<br>It may have been the startling photo closeup, a staggering patchwork of pierced eyebrows, yellow hair and moody stare. Perhaps it was that his surname “Toogood” seemed to be the most appropriate description of someone since my old supply teacher introduced herself as ‘Mrs Hoare’. Or maybe it was just the overwhelming sense of self-love that emanated from the screen; Alex was brilliant, and wanted the world to know it.
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<br>His ‘About Me’ section alone justifi ed an all-expenses paid blind date. Ciaran’s profi le on the other hand was the very picture of modesty. Indeed the only point at which she approached something resembling a boast was when she proudly revealed she is named after someone who has starred in Agatha Christie fi lms. Which to be honest, is hardly something to shout about.
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<br>She was however, stunningly beautiful and although her favourite quote (“Fuck off and die, you fucked up slag”) didn’t exactly hint at a woman searching for true love, I was optimistic that her and Alex could get along. They both admired Phillip Pullman, confessed to loving RnB and were stars of their respective college football teams meaning that if conversation dragged a late night kickabout at Iffl ey Road was always on the cards.
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<br>Against all expectations the pair grabbed a table before I’d even had a chance to introduce them and promptly fi red off an order for champagne. Neither I nor the OUSU budget were quite prepared for this development and it took a great deal of persuasion to get the exuberant French waiter to return the bottle and fetch a house white.
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<br>With some trepidation, and a fi rm command to the waiter to disregard any orders the pair made that involved dishes costing more than my weekly Tesco’s shop, I left them to it…\r<br>
<br>What Alex thought of the date:
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<br>“My first impression of Ciaran was all positive. She’s very good looking and she was immediately very chatty. We didn’t seem to have anything in common though, one key difference between us being that I actually remembered her name without having to ask three times! However, this didn’t stop us fi nding things to talk about and it never felt awkward.
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<br>I really enjoyed Ciaran’s company but there was never any spark or hint of anything more than friendship between us. We talked more about our parents’ sex lives than our own, and she proudly informed me that her Mum is a MILF! We didn’t exchange numbers but we are now Facebook buddies. I’m sure that I will see Ciaran again at some point but unfortunately for the Face to Face success statistics, we’ll never be anything more than friends.
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<br>What Ciaran thought of the date:
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<br>“My fi rst impression of Alex was that he looked like a skater boy or an indie music type. Despite being denied champagne by the stingy OxStu, conversation still fl owed enough to annoy the waiters who tried to take our order numerous times before we’d even opened the menus! I probably made a bad impression by forgetting his name three times in the fi rst half hour and then spitting out my starter.
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<br>Luckily though, he did the gentlemanly thing and made me feel better by spilling chocolate sauce all over himself at dessert. In between we covered many topics including our parallel star football careers (mine being a lie) and bizarre antics of our parents (don’t ask). Although there wasn’t a spark between us the date was really fun and there was never a lull in the conversation.
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<br>We didn’t exchange contact details but both being lovers of the Bridge, I’m sure we’ll bump into each other soon!”</font></font></font>