Am A-Z ing Oxford

Lepapillon0311

<font color="blue"><font face="tahoma"><font size="4">A Animal rights Concerned members of the community, who are becoming increasingly vociferous about their compassion and social conscience. Their weekend demonstrations provide an excellent camoufl age for one’s evening-dress clad walk of shame across town. If you're a scientist there’s an added bonus: the perfect excuse not to work on Thursday afternoons! No problem sheet for an upcoming tute? Well, you couldn’t really concentrate over the noise of the drums and whistles could you?
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<br>B Bops Customarily bi-termly highlights of the college social calendar, they demand that one attempts to attain the height of sophistication by respecting a simple, oh-look-atus- we’re-at-Oxford-and-so-cuttingly- ironic dress-code. Many interpret them as an opportunity for public manifestation of the homoeroticism lurking beneath their hetero veneer. Others delight in transcending the limitations of social hierarchy, reveling as they do in the sporting of Burberry hats and gold chains.
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<br>C Collections What an awesome opportunity to show how much you learned last term. And the timing, perfect really, right at the end of the holidays so you can sharpen up your mind with a week of panic revision just before term starts. But surely the best thing about this particular Oxonian tradition is the fact that, despite the fact that they just don’t matter, you can end up on penals and potentially sent down if you fail enough of them. Outstanding.
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<br>D Deans Members of the upper echelons of one’s college, to whom the utmost respect must be accorded, and whose generosity and warmth of spirit will provide you with the opportunity to fulfi l your potential, develop independent thinking and initiative. Junior Deans, on the other hand, are the spawn of Satan, and proceed to glug away one’s college battels whilst pretending attend your pastoral care. To be avoided at all costs.
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<br>E Education Where would you be without the added perspective you gain knowing your work will never, ever be good enough or even original compared to your tutor’s grocery list? And, when you leave Oxford as the proud recipient of a degree in Ancient and Modern History, you will defi nitely be able to immediately secure a job which has absolutely nothing to do with either Greeks or Romans.
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<br>F FINALS The climactic summation of three years of blagging tutorials, thoughtlessly wasting your tutor’s time, and then spending your last three months in Oxford becoming pale, emaciated, and preoccupied with 16th century revenge drama. As an added bonus, people are now forbidden to throw bits of tinsel in your eye when you fi nish. It is the world’s craziest party. You just don’t know about it yet.
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<br>G G Bar Once, there was this bar called Green.
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<br>It was really poorly located near to Bar Med and just behind Allders, it was also really expensive which meant that only the pashmina crowd could afford to get trollied there on a regular basis. Being able to avoid the poor was an incentive for the rich to go. But things change, Allders and Bar Med have closed up, Green has acquired a trendy metrosexual name and the rahs have moved on which means there’s always loads of space in G-Bar if you ever want to go
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<br>H Hacks Not only are hacks super hot and popular, they also have everyone’s mobile number within a fi ve mile radius of Carfax. And everyone loves them, check out their facebook profi les ? maintaining four hundred and twenty-three friendships isn’t easy! You can always count on a hack to show up to a party for a polite three minutes, and, unlike so many in Oxford, they’re not harboring emotional baggage from not being able to shag anyone in their sixth-form.
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<br>I Incest Incest Ok, so Oxford incest probably isn’t as bad as conventional incest, but it’s still a social minefi eld. Whether it’s unsuccessfully hitting on a same-sex (yet hetero) room mate, or having meaningless ? but socially explosive ? sex with your best friend’s boyfriend, Oxford is second only to Paris as the city of love. Having an embarrassing sexual history with almost everyone you bump into on Cornmarket Street - the 21st Century’s answer to romance.
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<br>J Journos Like baby Jeremy Paxmen running about in nappies, smoking badly rolled cigarettes and sucking on their dictaphones. Only less attractive, and not quite so self-effacing… You can rely on a journo friend: they’ll never stab you in the back or reveal something you told them in secret because they understand that, while pretending to be a journalist is fun, the student press is not that important.
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<br>K KA What better end to an evening in the pub than the bar staff of the King’s Arms harassing you to swiftly fi nish the remainder of your pint? When you’re in an environment with strikingly inadequate seating, ugly decor and unjustly over-priced drinks, you just know that even Audrey Hepburn with 6mm pearl earrings, kitten heels and a crystal champagne glass couldn’t surpass you in sophistication.
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<br>L Lincoln Where would we be without Lincoln College? In modern day British culture, one of the most endearing human characteristics of any community is its ability to laugh sportingly at its own expense. And Lincoln college is quite the Olympic torch when it comes to a example of social grace and unrelenting self-deprecation in response to kindly-intended printed banter.
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<br>M May Day Twelve hours of licentiousness that is designed to nullify the lasting effects of Easter Vac revision, culminating in a chance to fl ash your credentials at photographers as you hurl yourself with bravery resembling that of the Light Brigade into six inches of water. May Day in Oxford is the perfect antidote to anarchists and Morris Dancers.
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<br>N Norrington Table It exists solely to please the aspiring Nouveau Riche: satisfying their cravings for meaningless League Tables. Additionally, it provides the justifi cation for Merton’s absurd fortnightly Collections, and consistently puts Hildas and LMH in their place. Other than that, it’s useless.
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<br>O OUSU Hacks who have a social conscience. By means of endowing representation for apathetic voters and making profl igacy an art form, OUSU provides excellent training for the next generation of Council workers.
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<br>P Piers Gaviston An infamous ‘Dining Club’: a curious title for a society that indulges in everything but dinner. The value of “Piers Gav” lies in its ability to outrage so-called “progressive liberals” and other nauseating prigs, an effect that we’re all in favour of. What’s more liberal than indulging in highly dubious sensuality under the influence of LSD, MDMA and vintage Champagne in rural Oxfordshire?
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<br>Q Queer Bop For Oxfordshire’s Latex manufacturers, Christmas comes early each year, courtesy of the Queer Bop held every Michaelmas at Wadham. An infamous night of debauchery usually with members of all three emergency services in prolifi c attendance. Social event of the year for Oxford’s queers and unparticular Wadhamites. Where once it was a celebration of being out and proud in Oxford now it’s a far more inclusive event the perfect place to indulge those feelings you normally uncomfortably ignore.
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<br>R Rustication Work-shy? Nosy? Fostering a hatred of authority? Perhaps you’re all three. At any other uni you’d be punished, but Oxford prefers to take a softer approach, offering a working holiday to students like you. Rusticated students must turn their attention to Trisha and Bargain Hunt, normally for the period of one term. Rustication is the Proctors’ preferred reward for unrepentant alcoholics, investigative journalists and thick people.
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<br>S Sub-Fusc A sartorial reminder to matriculating students that they are not at a “normal” university and are, therefore, better than everyone else. Sub-fusc must also be worn for examinations, ensuring that physical as well as mental discomfort is maximized. Wearing of the mortarboard before graduation is punishable by decapitation; the mortar-board comes into its own during examinations, however, when helpful notes can be pinned to the underside. The gown is used to incite violence from the local community. Only attempt Batman impressions if you’re a scholar otherwise you just look like a prick.
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<br>T Tute Unique to Oxbridge, these regular meetings allow you to discuss your subject with some of the world’s leading academics. It is advisable to remember at least what your subject actually is. Tutorials tend to take place on disarmingly comfortable armchairs in a room dominated by menacingly high stacks of books, just to remind you that your tutor knows everything. Students are advised to relieve themselves beforehand.
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<br>U Union Home of all the best hacks (essentially a massive phone directory then) the Union is the perfect place to relax with elderly gentlemen of questionable sexuality and dubious personal hygiene. Drinks are cheap which is a bonus. And if you go around election time there’s never a shortage of people to chat to.
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<br>V Varsity Nothing gives you a greater stronger sense of identity and feeling of belonging than pitching the beloved blues against those evil tabs. I also heard that the national IQ of France doubled whilst the varsity ski trip was taking place. It seems nothing is too testing for the Oxbridge elites.
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<br>W Webmail Rejoice people! Gone are the days of normal e-mail accounts. Now you’ve got one which immediately marks you out as having a cumbersome and boring e-mail address. Not only that but you have the added security of the blessed ‘Confi rm Logout’ button. No more pesky accidental logouts when you leave your webmail session you and the computer are in perfect accord. It’s a great time to be alive, folks.
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<br>Y Yanks A very wise person once said to me ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’. The Atlantic is very wide and potentially treacherous ocean, as Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio so poignantly reminded us in that Hollywood blockbuster, so whatever bright-spark thought of fi lling impoverished college halls with rich students with draining accents was killing two birds with one stone.
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<br>Z Zoo I am so glad that there are so many kind people who take such a keen interest in my social life. What with the vast and spectacular array of nightlife opportunities in this night-life hotspot of the world, its so helpful to have someone to guide me as to the most buzzing parties in town. Zoo nights must be good, they’re always recommended by OUSU, and they’ve got fantastically witty names Zoo Na Na, get it? Because the club is called Po Na Na… Funny, funny stuff.</font></font></font>